We previously told you all about a bunch of movies that seemed destined for failure, but thankfully for us, Hollywood hasn't learned its lesson. Cruel fate and spectacular incompetence have once again teamed up in an unholy alliance to stop movies like ...
#5. Steve Jobs' Ghost Is Clearly Sabotaging His Third Biopic
Unfortunately for the serious-eyebrowed method actors of Hollywood, the moviegoing public has made it clear that they don't give one solitary monkey-slapping shit about the life story of the guy who gave them their iPods. Despite Ashton Kutcher's batshit dedication and surprisingly good performance, Jobs is ridiculous, while the intentionally ridiculous iSteve is just god-awful. Short of getting the exact same guys who did The Social Network, nothing could get people excited about a studio making another Steve Jobs movie.So that's exactly what Sony decided to do.
Now we're talking! Who better than David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin to tell us the story of another arrogant, somewhat misogynistic blowhard whose products we use every day? And they even had Christian Bale on board as Jobs ... for like 15 minutes, before it all fell apart.
Apparently, Sony fired Fincher after he asked for too much money and replaced him with Danny Boyle. They also replaced Bale with Leonardo DiCaprio -- which, hey, isn't a terrible trade-off, right? The Beach aside, those two are usually pretty good. Except ...
Universal took their sloppy seconds, but after nearly a year of talent musical chairs, the future is looking pretty bleak for Jobs 2: Electric Boogaloo. On the upside, they probably still have Seth Rogen as Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, so there's that.
#4. Nicolas Cage Is Apparently Cursed Now
It seems that even abstract concepts like fate are over Nicolas Cage, as two of his latest projects have fallen victim to bizarre calamities straight out of, well, a Nicolas Cage movie. The first was when director Paul Schrader walked away from thriller The Dying of the Light during editing -- according to the producers, because Schrader took too many liberties with the script, so they re-edited it without him. Bear in mind that, based on the official trailer, in this film Cage plays a CIA agent with dementia who goes rogue. That's the sane version of the movie.Incidentally, this is the director who once showed his penis to Lindsay Lohan to motivate her.
Lionsgate Home Entertainment
"That's it. Just a few more moments, Paul. I'm almost in the zone."
"That's it. Just a few more moments, Paul. I'm almost in the zone."
Facebook
Whoever it was, they also started the "Paul Schrader's enormous penis" fan page.
Whoever it was, they also started the "Paul Schrader's enormous penis" fan page.
#3. The Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper Movie They Don't Want You to See
Last month, the BFI London Film Festival showed a screening of Danish director Susanne Bier's latest film, Serena, and the response was what could politely be called "more confused than David Duke at a Rihanna concert." Serena stars Jennifer Lawrence as the murderous title character and Bradley Cooper as the man who somehow loves her, probably because he's a nightmare himself. In the beginning, everything is going peachy keen for these assholes, until Serena miscarries a child and goes all Fatal Attraction after suspecting that her husband is caring for the child he had with a previous partner. Also, there's timber-related drama. And it's the '30s. Honestly, we watched the trailer and we're still not sure what's going on.
Magnolia Pictures
Oh, that clears things up.
Oh, that clears things up.
Magnolia Pictures
"Can't we just cut the left half of the poster and call this Two Famous Faces?"
"Can't we just cut the left half of the poster and call this Two Famous Faces?"
#2. Jane Got a Gun Makes Less Sense Than an Aerosmith Video
The grammatically ambiguous Jane Got a Gun, a Western drama starring Natalie Portman, has been plagued from day one. Or day zero, actually, since director Lynne Ramsay quit before the first day of filming. It wasn't the first personnel problem on the set, though -- just one week before, leading man Michael Fassbender dropped out, hastily replaced by Joel Edgerton. Who is Joel Edgerton? Exactly.
Anthony Harvey/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Pictured: Not Magneto
Pictured: Not Magneto
Lucasfilm
Pictured: Not [whoever played Luke's Uncle Owen originally]
Pictured: Not [whoever played Luke's Uncle Owen originally]
Following a nasty lawsuit against Ramsay that involved accusations of substance abuse and pointing guns at things you really should not point guns at, the studio made possibly its first good decision: to push the film's release back from August 2014 to February 2015 ... and then from February all the way to September of next year. We're guessing they'll just keep pushing it until the universe loops over and the movie ends up coming out in the actual Wild West.
#1. God Hates Terry Gilliam and His Don Quixote Film
Terry Gilliam has been trying to get his vision of Don Quixote off the ground for damn near 20 years, but someone's been working just as hard to stop him: the universe. Filming for the movie, which would have featured a modern-day man (Johnny Depp) being sent back in time and mistaken by Quixote for Sancho Panza, began in 1999 and immediately went to shit when they realized the dialogue was drowned out by the planes from a nearby military base. OK, that's fixable in post-production. The flash flood that destroyed the set the very next day would be a little more challenging, though.
Sony Pictures Classics
"You try going from The Joker to these jokers and see how that shit turns out."
"You try going from The Joker to these jokers and see how that shit turns out."
How long until Gilliam gives up and just does this movie with cardboard cutouts, Monty Python-style?
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