#5. Yes, People Have Weird Sex in My Cab
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One dark, rainy night (I'm not trying to be dramatic; this is
Washington State we're talking about), I got a pickup call for a bar
known for over-serving its customers, which is not that uncommon in this
town. I pulled up and found a spectacularly drunk couple making out.
After confirming that they were the folks I was there to chauffeur, I
managed to corral them into the car. A few minutes later, I arrived at
their address with the sounds of heavy petting coming from the back
seat. When I asked for the fare, the husband leaned forward, put his
hand on my arm, and said, "Hey man, do you wanna, like, go on break,
come upstairs, and let me watch you fuck my wife?" You may recognize
this as the type of question that immediately makes you start looking
around for hidden cameras.
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Then, when I asked about the tip, they giggled for five straight minutes.
Then, when I asked about the tip, they giggled for five straight minutes.
The point is, sex is a bigger part of taxi driving than you think. I'm frequently asked to take someone to a "rub and tug" parlor, and I can't count how many times a guy's had me drive him to a bikini barista stand just so his wife won't see his car there.
I know people have their fetishes, but taxi cabs are apparently way more erotic than I ever could have anticipated. I have seen lots of tits (mostly aimed in my direction to get the fare forgiven, but sorry, I can't pay my rent with boobs), tons of guys getting blown, and far more handjobs than I care to remember. I've even had a few guys start jacking off for no apparent reason, which I guess also qualifies as a handjob. Taxi cabs are the bathhouses of the modern age. Either that, or I've been vastly underestimating my own raw, sexual magnetism for my entire life.
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"I'm only crossing the street, but damn, look at his jawline."
"I'm only crossing the street, but damn, look at his jawline."
#4. We're Regularly Complicit in Crimes
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"How do you know they're drug dealers?" you might be asking. Well, I'll pick people up sometimes, and they'll tell me they need to make a few stops on the way home to "drop off some presents" in the middle of March. Unless they're really into celebrating St. Patrick's Day, or a bunch of their friends all have the same birthday, this is suspicious. Then, after walking into a house to drop off one of those alleged presents, they'll come out counting money. Since I doubt anyone is charging their loved ones for small bags of "rock candy," it doesn't exactly take an astrophysicist to figure out what's going on.
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"I had no idea delivering cookies to orphans paid so well."
"I had no idea delivering cookies to orphans paid so well."
Other times, I'll get a young woman in the back seat, and she'll have me drive her to a motel -- where she'll ask me to wait outside, with the meter running. Fifteen to twenty minutes later, she'll come out, and it's off to another motel, apartment, or house. After an hour of this, with her coming back out each time sweaty and disheveled (and, on more than one occasion, with a condom stuck to her coat), I start feeling like the most under-dressed pimp in history. At the end of the day, as long as it doesn't seem like anyone's getting hurt, I'm happy to drive anyone around as long as the meter's running.
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One day I might splurge for the pimp hat.
One day I might splurge for the pimp hat.
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"You know, strangely enough, I haven't seen Taxi Driver."
"You know, strangely enough, I haven't seen Taxi Driver."
#3. We Can Charge People for Being an Asshole (and Sometimes, They Don't Mind)
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Some people have lots of pent-up anger, and feel like the best way to
vent all that frustration is to harass the nearest living thing. Look, I
get it. I'm in the service industry, where on the whole you get treated
more like a Roomba than a person, so I developed a thick skin after
only a few short weeks on the job. That said, there is a line
clearly demarking the limit of shit that your cab driver is willing to
take from you. But when you cross it, you won't necessarily get kicked
out onto the curb. We might just charge you for it.Once, a "gentleman" hopped into my back seat, told me where he was headed, and almost as soon as we got rolling, started with the insults. "Hurry the fuck up!" he shouted. "You can't drive for shit!" At this point I gave him a polite warning, but that only riled him up more, and he asked me if I was "some fuckin' Jew," because that apparently had something to do with our interaction.
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"I'm not. But don't worry, all religions equally think you're an asshole. You've united us."
"I'm not. But don't worry, all religions equally think you're an asshole. You've united us."
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"No, please, I'd love to hear more about how single Muslim mothers are ruining America."
"No, please, I'd love to hear more about how single Muslim mothers are ruining America."
#2. Your Safety Comes out of My Paycheck
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It probably won't surprise you to hear that most new cabs are
actually used cars. The company simply paints them, installs the meter,
lights, and lettering, and then puts them out on the road for 24 hours a
day. But what might surprise you is that it's the driver's financial responsibility to make sure the cabs keep running,
because we're usually leasing our cabs from the company. Since our
profits are razor thin, your relative safety level in any given cab is
directly related to how much your driver likes eating ramen in an
unfurnished apartment.The first cab I drove was a 2001 Crown Vic with over 500,000 miles on it, which is kind of like putting a saddle on an old refrigerator. The engine was tired, I could barely get up to highway speeds, and the transmission was slipping. In another cab I drove, the power steering box was all but falling apart, which resulted in loads of play in the steering wheel -- turning a corner at anything more than 5-10 mph was a hero's trial. Yet another car had brakes so worn out that the stopping distance on a dry road was about half a block.
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Don't even get me started on the issues this one had.
Don't even get me started on the issues this one had.
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And to think I was going to spit that gum out.
And to think I was going to spit that gum out.
#1. It's Not Hard to Keep Taxi Drivers Happy
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Driving a cab can be a very stressful job. In fact, Business News Daily named it the #10 most stressful job in America, right up there with being policemen, firefighters, and soldiers. Just look at that movie Collateral.Most of the stress comes from how we're treated by our passengers. Not everyone talks to us like the angry turbo racist from earlier, but I think a lot of people wind up offending their cab driver without even realizing it. Sometimes we work 12-hour shifts and bring home $21 in profit, so there are nights when we understandably have little patience for any bullshit, no matter how marginal. Luckily, it's super easy to be nice to cab drivers. Here's a quick rundown on how to keep your driver from snapping and turning into The Bone Collector:
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"Oh look, that detour is taking us to the old abandoned slaughterhouse."
"Oh look, that detour is taking us to the old abandoned slaughterhouse."
Also, let me know if you feel like puking. I'm not gonna be offended or laugh at you; I'll happily pull over and let you shout the contents of your stomach out all over the side of the road. If you try to hold it in and wind up puking in my car, it's going to suck for us both -- I have to charge you a $200 sanitation fee (sucks for you), and then I have to clean it up (sucks for me), because I can't do my job with a cab reeking of salty cheese.
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I can at least clean the outside of the car by speeding through a rainstorm.
I can at least clean the outside of the car by speeding through a rainstorm.
This may seem obvious to some of you, but don't try to haggle over the fare. Where I live, the cab drivers are mostly friendly with each other, so while we're in between calls, we all tend to hang out in the parking lot of a local restaurant. While we're all hanging out, someone will occasionally come up between us and try to pull us into a bidding war over the privilege of driving them around to get the cheapest ride they can. Yeah, don't do that. All you're doing is making yourself into that weird kid on the playground whom nobody wants to talk to. If you really want some kind of break, simply act polite -- I've occasionally given discounts to people who went out of their way to make the ride pleasant. Don't count on every cab driver in the world to do that, but hey, acting like a decent person doesn't cost you anything. Might as well give it a shot.
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